Dear Mr. Radcliffe,
Let me be one of the first strangers to wish you a Happy New Year! I suppose introductions are necessary, seeing as how you have no idea who I am. My name is David Duvall. I live in Austin, Texas. I came here to play music, which I do. I play bass guitar in two bands (Of The Sun, Muchos Backflips!) and as an occasional hired gun in my friend’s recording studio (White Room Studios). In the interim between projects, I deliver pizzas for a local pizza chain (East Side Pies). I’m not a fan boy. I have seen most of your movies, though. But that’s more because I like movies, and you’re a good actor in my opinion.
No, it wasn’t your movies, but rather an interview on a late night talk show (I believe it might have been Conan O’Brien) where you expressed interests in road trips, classic cars and the writings of Hunter S. Thompson. That is when I thought, “Oh, shit! Harry Potter’s got some good taste!”
I apologize if you don’t like being called by that name. I understand that a childhood identity is a hard thing to escape. I remember walking down the sidewalk in my hometown and every once in a while somebody would shout out, “Little Wing!”; the name of a cover band I was in from age 11 to age 14. There were also countless awkward interactions when I was just a regular teenager trying to buy marijuana from a middle aged dealer, who saw me perform at his favorite bar years ago. I can only imagine what it might be like if you were to take my hometown and smear it all over the world, where basically EVERYBODY knows who you are.
So one day not long ago, I was mindlessly swiping on my phone, as people are so often wont to do, when I happened across some click bait detailing some of things that you’ve done in your downtime that demonstrated that you are indeed still human and the pressures of international stardom hadn’t turned you into a megalomaniac.
I believe it takes a certain appreciation of the absurd to find the balance between the two worlds, along with copious amounts of introspection to sift through all the proverbial smoke blown up one’s ass from people that just want a piece of the pie that is a successful project, lest you believe everything the gladhands tell you and become what is most colloquially known as “a star”. Yeesh.
The most recent project I saw you in was “The Dogwalker”. And it was the funniest fuckin’ part of the movie “Trainwreck”. It was totally absurd, awkward, and stupid. Which is what was great about it. It was only a few minutes of a movie inside of a movie, but it was the only part where I felt my particular brand of humor being represented, so thank you for that. It also showed me that, although no doubt aware of the notoriety behind your name, you didn’t turn down a project that might seem “beneath your radar”.
But I’m not here to offer you a project. I’m here to invite you to a party. I turn 30 on August 30th of this year. This also means that it will be my “Golden Birthday” (turning 30 on the 30th). I don’t have any details ironed out as it is a good 8 months away. But that’s why I’m writing you now. You no doubt have a schedule that is planned out at least 6 months in advance. Probably more.
In my mind, I picture Texas barbecue, karaoke and copious amounts of tequila. If this sounds like a good time to you, by all means, consider this my official invitation to attend. If you have prior obligations/projects around that time, no hard feelings. I totally understand that this is a fairly absurd proposal, but as hockey legend Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” And if I’m guessing correctly, you harbor the same Taoist appreciation of the absurd that I do. So this might be right up your alley.
I was going to try to find a way to send this to you privately, but that seems to be an avenue of money expenditure, and like most Austin musicians, I’m broke. So if drinking good booze, singing rock and roll songs and eating delicious food in Austin sounds like something you’d want to do, let me know at your earliest convenience, and I’ll keep you posted as the details emerge.
I’m also inviting Bill Murray.
Cheers,
David Duvall
The Velvet Coffin Rhetoric 